Vinyl Purist Breaks Both Legs In Fall From Ivory Tower

A young vinyl purist has broken both legs in a horrific accident after he fell ten storeys while building another floor onto his ivory tower.

“I was in my ivory tower playing some beats on the ones n’ twos when I heard the sound of a laptop DJ syncing a beat in the next building,” recounted John Luddite from his hospital bed. “Not wanting to be anywhere near such simplistic cheating I immediately decided to erect another floor onto my custom built, completely analog, ivory tower.”

“I decided to build the extension using entirely traditional materials because it’s more tangible and authentic than using a cherry picker, crane or any other modern assistance,” continued Mr. Luddite. “So I’m ten storeys up, hanging suspended using a system of ropes and pulleys with my trowel in one hand while my free hand was practicing crab scratching for an upcoming turntable battle, when all of a sudden the rope just snaps. The next thing I remember is waking up here.”

Following his fall an unconscious Mr. Luddite was immediately transported to the emergency room where doctors set about rebuilding his mangled legs but before they could administer any assistance Mr. Luddite woke up and refused medical help.

“The patient was brought in following a bad fall,” explained attending physician, Dr. Thomas Cranmer. “We were just about to administer some sedatives and painkillers when Mr. Luddite regained consciousness and refused medical assistance calling it ‘fandangled modern witchery.'”

“Look, I don’t want to be treated by some fancy modern doctor who doesn’t know his traditions, who doesn’t respect where doctors have come from and has lost touch with the purer forms of the art of doctoring,” claimed Mr. Luddite. “You can’t just use all your fancy modern equipment and cheat your way to curing someone by pressing a button on a machine and not getting your hands dirty. Frankly I don’t care if it works and saves lives, I’d rather be dead than to be cured by some computer.”

Following his refusal of modern medicine Mr. Luddite requested that he be healed using only analog, conventional equipment claiming “broken legs just heal better when treated with traditional methods.”

“He could walk again if he just accepted the usefulness of modern technology but he’s doggedly insisting on medical practices that are wildly out of date,” continued Dr. Cranmer. “We’ve had to design a treatment plan based on his wishes which will probably see it take three times as long for him to recover but he just won’t listen.”

Mr. Luddite’s initial treatment relied on having the legs painfully reset by hand and then stitched with pig’s gut sutures with only a few big slugs of whiskey and a piece of wood to bite down on to alleviate the pain. The resulting fever was brought under control by bleeding out the infection using leeches, praying and eventually cauterization. Mr. Luddite has now been recovering in hospital from his broken legs for the best part of six months where he is prescribed a glass of laudanum three times daily for the pain.

“He could save himself so much pain and distress if he simply altered his viewpoint to understand that the pieces of modern equipment that doctors have at their disposal are merely tools to help doctors achieve the same endpoint, saving a life, and don’t take away from the authenticity of the profession,” sighed an exasperated Dr. Cranmer. “But there’s just no getting through to some people.”