“A Dead Pig Isn’t The Most Vile Place Cameron’s Penis Has Been,” Confirms Boris Johnson’s Mouth
Following revelations that British Prime Minister David Cameron allegedly placed his penis into the open mouth of a dead pig, Boris Johnson’s fat mouth has insisted that “isn’t the most vile place it has been”.
Rumours began circulating yesterday that Cameron once, probably while high on marijuana and privilege, placed his presumably pink and hairless genitalia into the mouth of a dead pig to gain access to Piers Gaviston, a dining society at Oxford where other toffs discuss the pressing issues of the day including slapping plebs, foie gras and hiding child rape allegations.
The scandal was given renewed fire this evening however as cartoon London mayor and Gary Busey’s chubby, retarded doppelganger, Boris Johnson, admitted that the pig’s mouth wasn’t the most salacious of places where Cameron’s penis had been placed.
“He was fond of putting it in all sorts of places,” explained Johnson from the comfort of his booth in Spearmint Rhino where he regularly talks cars with Jamirquai’s Jay Kay while looking at boobs and dropping Viagra. “There was the pig’s mouth, a pensioner’s letterbox and, when he got into power, onto the chin of a bewildered Baroness Thatcher.”
“David has quite a chubby penis and he’s never been afraid to flaunt it, when it reaches tumescence it takes on the wet and pink texture of David’s cheeks when he’s on telly angry perhaps at immigrants or the poor,” continued Boris, while tweeting a pic of his own penis to Prince Harry for the megabantz. “I saw it regularly all throughout college, whether David would be teabagging me while I was drunk or aggressively skull-fucking me as I slept, it was all in good fun and was just the normal horseplay that we enjoyed.”
“I have a distinct memory of him and Gideon playing a version of the game soggy biscuit using a £100 pound note stapled to a dog’s arse,” added Boris, “of course the object of the game was to ejaculate first but, as it had a picture of the Queen and was legal tender, both of them came almost immediately.”
“The loser of a typical game would then have to eat the soggy with man-juice biscuit but in our version the winner kept the money and the loser had to find more students for our, in no way gay, hazing ceremonies,” he concluded. “I never lost because I always imagine Thatcher slapping milk out of a child’s hand and I get hard almost immediately but David always had a thing for pigs, and Gideon’s mouth, and of course, my own.”