Adam Beyer Renames His Cock & Bollocks – Axwell, Angello & Ingrosso

Adam Beyer has surprised his friends and family by revealing that he has renamed his cock and bollox Axwell, Angelo and Ingrosso.

Naming the cock and bollox is a very important custom for men in Beyer’s hometown, Stolkholm, and is celebrated by a coming of age ceremony called Namnge Skräp, which translates to Naming the Junk in English. The ceremony usually happens during the early teenage years and it is not uncommon for men to rename their junk later in life, as in Beyer’s case, if they feel they have outgrown their names.

Anders Jacobsson, an Ikea employee and therefore an expert on everything Swedish, explained the slightly strange tradition, “Namnge Skräp is very important for men in Stockholm. The names you give your cock and bollox can make a real difference to your life.”

“The names you choose can really help you to stand out from the crowd,” claimed Mr. Jacobsson. “For example one of the first things a man will be asked in a job interview is ‘what are your dick and nuts called?’. If you’ve named them Hitler, Goebbels and Göring you might find getting a job is pretty difficult but if like me you’ve named yours Positivity, Perseverance and Peter you have an excellent chance of finding solid work.”

Beyer’s cock and bollox had previously been called Michelangelo, Leonardo and Donatello, after the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, but the Drumcode boss is said to have become disillusioned with the names after learning that Transformers director Michael Bay was to be involved in the production of the upcoming Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie, effectively “ruining some of [his] greatest childhood memories”.

“As soon as I heard of his (Michael Bay) involvement in the movie those names were dead to me,” explained Beyer recently. “I wanted to rename the guys something that really envisaged the two passions in my life, Sweden and electronic music, and I fell Axwell, Angello and Ingrosso fit the bill perfectly.”

“Obviously Axwell is the dick because he’s a dick,” revealed Beyer, “and Angello and Igrosso are a right pair of bolloxes so it just felt natural to choose those names. I’ve even nicknamed the entire package SHM, only instead of standing for Swedish House Mafia it stands for Swede’s Hairy Manzone. I’m really pleased with how the renaming has gone so far and I’m planning on having an official Namnge Skräp ceremony at one of our Drumcode parties later this year.”

Industry experts are also suggesting that the renaming will have a positive effect on the careers of Axwell, Angello and Ingrosso, claiming that having Adam Beyer’s cock and bollox named after them is their biggest musical achievement to date.