Sports presenter, part-time bear lookalike and evening TV constant, Adrian Chiles, has been named the new face of British grime – despite his face looking like a chewed up toffee.
The strangely awkward Beeb presenter has been given the accolade after it emerged that he has spent the last 7 years secretly working on a grime album with stalwarts of the scene Dizzee Rascal and Tinie Tempah, whom he described as “bluds”, which is expected for release later this year.
“His is going to be the face of grime 2015,” gushed no one in particular. “I can’t wait to hear his album of music.”
Calling grime “the British jazz” and claiming that he has been an avid follower of the scene, Chiles came up with the idea to make the foray into music after an especially soul deadening tirade by wonder-bore Alan Shearer on MOTD2.
“Shearer was going off on some cliche ridden slice of unnecessary ‘punditry’ along the lines of it being a game of two halves, when I just sort of zoned out,” claims Chiles who says he began writing the beats for the album right there in the studio. “If you notice my eyes wandering off camera and my head trembling slightly you’ll know it’s because I’m composing beats and not as a result of me being a feckless garden gnome.”
“When I came to Shearer was still talking and had moved onto a populist rant about how the England team should have an English manager,” added Chiles. “Shearer has actually been in touch about appearing on the album but I’m afraid anyone outside of northern England will have serious trouble understanding the Geordie accent.”
The album, expected to be called Under The Bridge as a nod to Chiles’s gritty bridge troll upbringing, will combine the two disparate worlds of light entertainment and underground music with Gary Lineker and Wiley featuring on a track together entitled Crisps under the moniker Salt & Vinegar.
Other tracks on the soon-to-be hit album include “I Dribble On Myself When The Camera’s Not Looking“, “Smelling Of Biscuits”, a beef track calling out lookalike Ray Mears entitled “Welcome To The Woodland” and finally a sexually explicit romantic ballad suspected to be about his frequent co-host Christine Bleakley called “The Two Show”.
Some people on the grime scene have expressed discomfort at seeing one of the nation’s best known cuddly toys releasing an album of the genre they love, but Chiles has assured those concerned of his pedigree.
“I’ve spent years honing my craft as an MC in some of the most challenging environments a rhyme spitter can work, like The One Show, Match of the Day and Crufts,” explained the children’s character. “Some of these guys might have been in rap battles and fought in inner city dance halls but have any of them ever tried to ask Roy Keane a slightly disparaging question? No, they haven’t.”
“Until they feel the pressure of that gaze then they’ll never know real fear,” he added.
