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November 19, 2014
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Afrojack’s Band Aid Remix Accidentally Contains Music

A remix of the current Band Aid 30 single designed to shame people into giving money to parts of Africa fighting ebola by a bunch of tax avoiding millionaires made the carnal error of accidentally containing music – and not preachy indignation.

The remix, by Dutch EDM star Afrojack, was originally supposed to be series of disgruntled screams by Bob Geldolf set to an out-of-date 80s sample imploring a cash strapped public to “show us your fucking money” but accidentally contained music that witnesses have described as “not horrible”.

The Dutch star, who was recruited by Geldolf to create the remix in a bid to get shiftless ravers buying singles again, claims that he wanted to create the track using “as little musical inspiration as possible” like most EDM produced but, after leaning on the keyboard taking a selfie with will.I.am he leant on an auto-write function and the track wrote itself.

“I might use that for all my tracks,” he claimed. “I was recruited for the high profile I have thanks to being publicly shamed by Eminem who didn’t know who I was and also being publicly shamed on account of having had sex with Paris Hilton.”

“They were very clear that they wanted the track to be anti-musical, more like a pedagogic tract of contemptible millionaires giving out for a couple of minutes, than something cheesy to dance to,” continued Afrojack. “So I was just going to put a drop in every time Bono said ‘tonight thank God it’s them instead of you’ and add a cheesy vocal, perhaps of a person dying of ebola, but in the end I accidentally featured Adele singing beautifully.”

“This isn’t music that is meant to be enjoyed,” explained Geldof, “just purchased and consumed without any reflection or emotional involvement, the track isn’t meant to move you, our publicised media campaign of marketing guilt is what’s meant to generate emotion.”

“So give us your fucking money,” added Geldof. “This isn’t about the music, it’s about me, despite my good intentions inadvertently patronising people with an antiquated notion of the continent of Africa and offering the chance for them to feel good about themselves briefly by donating the £2 that I earn every second.”

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