Uniformity among EDM festivals took one step closer today after SFX Entertainment announced audacious plans to buy all EDM festivals in the North American region and install identical line ups in them within the next two years.
The news has been welcomed by EDM fans all across the United States who will soon be able to see all of their favourite artists in one place.
Peter Cashman, a project manager for SFX Entertainment explained the announcement earlier, “Demand for tickets for EDM festivals is at an all time high so by buying all of the EDM festivals and having the exact same artists play at them all we’re hoping to satisfy a larger percentage of EDM fans who want to give us money.”
“If we can have one big festival in every state with an identical line up we’re hoping that people won’t feel the need to travel for festivals and make it easier for everyone to get a ticket,” explained Mr. Cashamn. “Obviously we’ll be making all of the festivals bigger and louder and therefore better, so naturally there will be a slight massive increase in ticket prices to help accommodate the more elaborate productions and bigger line ups.”
“Nothing is set in stone yet but, to put a ball park figure on it, we’re looking at an increase in prices of about eighty percent,” continued the SFX spokesperson. “Some people might look at this and say ‘the line ups are almost identical anyway’ and think it’s a bit excessive, but those people most likely aren’t EDM fans who, generally speaking, are quite stupid and willing to buy anything that’s marketed with futuristic sound effects, flashing lights and bikini clad girls dripping in kandi jewelry.”
Chad Murphy-Smith, an EDM fan from Las Vegas, Nevada, is said to be delighted with the news after breaking his sternum in a sustained chest bumping session with one of his “bros” earlier today. He spoke to us from his hospital bed, “It’s such good new man, I heard it and I was like ‘whoa that’s awesome’ I’ll get to see all the main EDM guys at Electric Daisy Carnival, I don’t care if it’s more expensive, all of those guys haven’t been on the same line up since last year’s Electric Daisy Carnival.”
“Me and my bro Brad chest bumped so hard I broke a bone in my chest, I always knew EDM raving would give me chest problems but I always thought it would be from molly not celebratory chest bumping. Fuck it, it’s a small price to pay, just like the cost of the ticket.”
SFX are also reportedly in negotiations with DJs that will see all artists play the same set at every festival for the duration of the season. Talks are believed to be progressing well as most EDM DJs already adhere to this practice.