Famed for being fat, whiny, entitled cretins with Xbox controllers permanently glued to their chubby hands, American teens are now reportedly more likely to wear candy than shovel it into their faces, it has been claimed.
“Since EDM took hold across America the incidences of childhood obesity have plummeted to levels not before seen since parents fed children properly and not via McDonalds,” claims nutritionist Dr. Kenneth Prowse. “At least 5% of American teens are now not wildly fat land animals, some of them are able to walk up stairs without wheezing, it’s crazy.”
“Some of them can now touch their toes,” he added. “Often it’s because their high on molly and attempting to taste their own knees but at least they’re doing something mildly constructive.”
Teens are reportedly now more likely to see a piece of candy and think “I wonder what that would love like as a bracelet” rather than eating it like a real human.
“Normally I’d be eating ten to fifteen pieces of candy a morning but instead of eating it I now wear it in a mildly cretinous display of solidarity with other moronic fans of pop dance music,” claimed one teen candy wearer, Alice Rose, (pictured). “I’m healthier, and dumber, than I have been in years.
Health professionals have claimed that while it is commendable that teens are no longer guzzling candy every second it is regrettable that they’ve instead chosen to wear the colourful pieces of candy as it is “aesthetically reprehensible and the actions of someone with a woeful understanding of the streets and how food works”.
“They might be healthier than their previous generation but this is actually the first time since the 50s in which a generation actually gets less cool and more lame,” claimed Dr. Prowse. “They’re going to live longer and be more annoying than even Generation X.”
Other contributing factors suspected to be at play in the straitening of the collective gutline of American teens is abuse of several drugs, dancing at raves all night and
