Genteel Belgian port city, Antwerp, is expected to be awash with drug tourists after being widely reported in the media as “the cocaine capital of Europe” due to the fact that 25% of the cocaine entering Europe comes in through the reputedly quiet city.
In several news outlets it was reported that the city is unexpectedly top of the European cocaine consumption tables, a prestigious position that is fought over annually by Europe’s biggest party spots, and also has the cheapest prices for cocaine on the European market with grams being available for as cheap as €50, half the European average.
“There were several stories released that highlighted the fact that Antwerp is perhaps Europe’s busiest port for cocaine smuggling,” beamed Mayor of Antwerp, Bart De Wever, “and ever since they hit newsstands we’ve seen a sharp jump in the number of people booking hotels, hostels and even camping areas.”
Mr. De Wever estimates that the influx of drug tourists will cause a dramatic increase in the city’s finances thanks to drug users flooding to the city in search of Europe’s cheapest and best quality cocaine.
“Antwerp has some excellent bars and restaurants which people can enjoy when they come to the city in search of our wonderful cocaine,” added Mr. De Wever.
The news of the city’s cocaine statistics were met with excitement in Ireland and the U.K. with an estimated 15,000 flights booked in the 24 hours since the articles appeared online which is coupled with Google statistics which show that ‘Antwerp’ and ‘cocaine’ were googled “100k times in two days, a 100% increase”.
“I read in the Guardian that they even got pigeons doing cocaine over there,” claimed Londoner Jack Burgess who says he immediately booked a ticket to Antwerp in search of cheap drugs and “coked up pigeons, well mental”.
“I heard the city’s got good architecture and that too,” he admitted in attempt to paint his trip in a more cultural light than it warrants, “but to be honest, I probably won’t be seeing much of them,” he laughed, tapping his nose conspiratorially.
