It has emerged today that Dr. Dre is to be bought by Apple as part of the deal which will see his Beats By Dre company acquired by the tech giant.
A spokesperson for Apple claimed that it was only a matter of time before Apple started “buying people outright” and so buying Dr. Dre while they had the chance “made sense to re-introduce the idea of owning people”.
“Buying people got a bad rep under slavery,” explained Apple spokesperson Dean Francis, “but this is the 21st century and buying the image rights to a particular celebrity happens every day, we’re just going a step further. Think of it as adding Dr. Dre to our roster of celebrity spokespeople except we own his entire body and mind rather than just his marketing image.”
“But we also own that,” he added.
“As a tech company we want to be able to make sure that people all over the world can enjoy our litany of products and we envision that the best way to ensure the purchasing power for our products over time is to own the people who do the purchasing and just make them buy out shit.”
It is expected that the deal will involve keeping Dr. Dre in a storage facility in Apple’s HQ where the popular rapper will be forced to make media appearances where he’s seen smiling and holding Apple products, wear Apple branded jumpsuits, settled disputes the ‘gangster rap’ way, write the music for any Apple advert ever, only ever use Apple products and only eat apples.
“He’s a great person to have in your corner if you need to smoke some fools from other wack ass rival companies and hoods,” continued Mr. Francis who made pointed references to the possibility of drive-by’s and akmatics being used to settled disputes with rival companies, notably Google. “We’ll also be using Dr. Dre to perform our annual product announcements entirely through the medium of rap.”
It has emerged that the company are experiencing some difficulties with Dr. Dre’s lyrics and may recruit Nas or Jay-Z to write the lyrics for him.
“This isn’t a lease on Dr. Dre, it’s a full blown purchase of a human being. It’s the first of its kind by a tech company and we’re delighted that it’s Apple who are breaking ground.”
In response to the purchase of Dr. Dre there are reports that Microsoft and Google are now in the market for prominent human beings with Microsoft believed to be interested in purchasing the entire population of Ireland which they reckon they’ll be able to get from leader Enda Kenny for “dirt cheap” while Google are thinking of making an extravagant bid for Kanye and Kim West “just because they can”.
so funny. thanks. comedy gold.