The entire Northern Hemisphere has this week declared that “Australians aren’t so smart now” as the eagerly awaited summer and festival season begins in the northern regions of the planet.
Europeans, North Americans and people from other parts of the northern hemisphere, “like Asia and that”, have had to endure six long and cold festival-free months, all the while being forced to watch videos of steroid loving, beefed up Aussies, otherwise known as “dick heads”, pictured above, enjoying numerous festivals and other outdoor activities in the searing southern hemisphere sun.
“It’s been really shit watching them all enjoying themselves down there the last few months,” claimed Dubliner Peter O’Neill. “Especially because half of Australia is Irish at the moment, if you watch any of the videos online you can pick all the Irish out fairly easy, they’re the ones who are clearly drunk, sun burnt and wearing Celtic jerseys.”
“It’s about time we wiped the smug smile off their sun kissed faces if you ask me,” continued O’Neill. “So I’m buying a GoPro and I’m gonna strap it to my head for every festival I go to. It’ll mostly be recording footage of what I see when I’m rolling around the ground in the campsites after taking far too much MDMA or views of the rain from my tent but still, I’ll have paid loads of money to be in them positions so it’ll still make them all well jell.”
Reports from America indicate that a small group of festival enthusiasts have constructed a giant “Fuck You Australia” sign out of rocks on the surface of the California Desert.
“We’ve spent the last three weeks building a sign out in the desert that tells the Australians exactly what we think of them after their summer,” explained passive aggressive festival hippy Flowerman Earthchild. “It says ‘Fuck You Australia’ and it’s visible from space. So now, any Australian who’s going into space or even just flying over California will see it and they’ll know that it’s our turn to have a summer!”
News emerging from down under suggests the majority of Australians are unmoved by the northern hemisphere’s claims, with most believing that anywhere north of the equator is “shit and full of cunts, with shit cunty weather where summers are basically just a shitty cuntfest”.
