A twenty eight year old man who has recently become a father has claimed that babies are just as good as coke, only a lot more expensive.
Matthew Dean became the proud father of Kai on 1 June and has since given up a lavish party lifestyle but now claims that he gets the “exact same buzz” from his baby as he did from cocaine.
“I was terrified about becoming a father, I’m sure every man is but, I have to admit, it truly is the best thing that’s ever happened to me,” explained Mr Dean. “I was really partying hard before he was born but as soon as I seen his little face for the first time I knew that those days were behind me.”
“I can honestly say that babies are just as good as coke,” he continued sincerely. “It’s not like you’re picking them up and sniffing whiffs of them and there’s no head buzz, heightened sense of confidence or feeling that you can take on the world and smash any woman you want but it’s still great, just in a more wholesome, spiritual kind of way.”
“That’s not where the similarity ends either,” claimed Dean. “I thought there was no way I could be as broke as I was when I was hammering the coke but I am, in fact I’m even more broke, I couldn’t afford to do coke now even if I wanted to. I’d have to settle for a couple of pills, a few sympathy bumps and a cheeky bag of speed.”
We asked Mr Dean if he wants to have more children after having such a positive experience with his first, “Do I fuck,” he answered. “My relationship with coke isn’t over, we’re just having a bit of a break at the moment, I’m planning on having a drug fueled midlife crisis once I hit my mid forties and the kid’s old enough to look after himself.”
