A confused and out of touch parish priest has warned his young parishioners about the immoral nature of “banging tunes”.
Father Noel O’Reilly, of St. Michael’s Church, Islington, took advantage of the extraordinarily large number of under sixty five year olds attending an annual Christmas carols service to get his warning across.
Speaking from the pulpit the Irish priest said, “I don’t know much about what young people today do but I do hear a lot of people talking about banging tunes. Let me make this clear to you now people, banging tunes is wrong, banging in general is wrong, the only times it’s appropriate to bang anything is when using a hammer for DIY and when having relations with your spouse and even then only a gentle bang is acceptable in the eyes of god.”
“An eternity of fire and brimstone awaits all of you unless you see the error of your ways, repent and stop banging tunes,” warned Father O’Leary starkly.
Peter O’Hara, a twenty two year old fruit and veg salesman who goes to mass once a year spoke to Wunderground about Father O’Leary’s warning, “That was fucking bizarre, that priest know fuck all about banging and he knows fuck all about tunes and he certainly hasn’t got a clue about banging tunes.”
“I only go to mass so I don’t have to sit listening to my granddad’s inadvertently racist rants while he watches the Top Gear and moans about how things aren’t as good as they used be back in Ireland in the 60s,” continued O’Hara. “So if I’d wanted to listen to the ramblings of a contrary old codger I’d have just stayed at home or listened to Chris Evans on Radio 2.”
“I’m not going to be taking any advice on banging from a priest,” scoffed Peter. “That’d be like a Rabbi telling me how to make a bacon sarnie or a Buddhist showing me the best way to pull a spider’s legs off. It’s never going to happen.”
“Plus what’s a priest now about morality anyway? Would he still fell that banging tunes was wrong if the tunes were dressed in a cute little alter boy’s uniform? I don’t fucking so, he can stick his higher moral ground straight up his swiss roll, along with the candle stick holders and crucifixes.”
In his defence Father O’Leary said the candle stick holders and crucifixes were “just resting in his swiss roll.”
