In hipster communities the world over fixed wheel bikes are being abandoned to rust after the hipster high council has decreed that “bikes are SO last year” and that tricycles are “where it’s at”.
“I really like my bike,” admitted Dalston hipster Greg “G-funk” Fitzgerald, “but if they’re last year then I suppose I have no choice really but to get rid of it and do whatever has been pre-decided for me is now the height of urban cool and relevancy, if that means cycling a tricycle then that’s what I’ll do.”
“Fuck bikes,” declared Greg’s more aggressively hipster friend Mark Wright. “I’ve been cycling for years, both fixed and geared bikes, but that was when they were cool and subversive. Now everywhere I look I see more and more people on fixies that they’ve made themselves with Brooks saddles and, without going into hyperbole, it literally makes me want to shove greasy fingers down my throat and vomit myself inside out through sheer disgust.”
Greg claims that he has also read numerous articles on the increasing popularity of bikes in mainstream Sunday supplement magazines which he claims for him “was the tipping point” and indicated that bikes had lost their street cool and needed to be discarded.
“I had no other mode of transport,” continued Greg. “I was getting the bus everywhere because my ironically crap Mini Metro was on its last legs, but thankfully I read an obscure article about a group of Japanese street artists who race tricycles in old World War 2 air raid tunnels and it just clicked.”
Since that time hipsters across the world have been following Greg’s example and migrating from bikes to trikes sniggering with weary disdain at those of us still cycling bikes.
“The world has moved on from two wheels,” concluded Greg, “if you want to keep cycling on two wheels like someone’s Dad or a substitute teacher then fine, but three is where it’s at, where’s yours?”
