The American Liberal Front, or ALF, have announced that Black Friday is to be renamed “The Friday After We Celebrate Europeans Arriving And Slaughtering All The Natives” because “Black” sounds a bit racist.
The announcement was made last night shortly after ALF’s “biweekly public shaming seminar”, where members of the group meet and scour the internet and media looking for things to be offended about and then shame people for their part in what they find.
“It’s been a really busy couple of weeks for us here at ALF,” claimed Moby, the group’s highest profile member and the tuts per minute world record holder. “We’ve had this whole election thing going on, people are still eating meat after thousands of years and now we’ve got this horrible Friday issue on top of everything. Sometimes things just get on top of us and make us want to scream and throw our toys out of the pram, which we do, practically on a daily basis.”
“It’s ridiculous, ‘Black’ Friday, what the fuck is that all about?” he asked with the gaunt look of a man who desperately needed some protein. “They may as well have called it ‘Faggot’ Friday or ‘It’s Not OK To Identify As An Owl’ Friday. We can’t be sitting around watching people not be offended by stuff that we find slightly offensive so we did what we do best, made a big deal out of it.”
“Some of us wanted to change the name to ‘Consumer’ Friday but that kind of assumes that everyone who buys stuff on the day is human, I suggested that we call it, ‘The Day After Thanksgiving When We Celebrate The Arrival Of Our European Ancestors Who Brought Christianity, Even Though We Don’t Like That Anymore, Taught Us How To Harvest The Land And Killed All The Pagan Indians’ Friday but that just doesn’t roll of the tongue very well.”
“So in the end we settled for ‘The Friday After We Celebrate Europeans Arriving And Slaughtering All The Natives’, there’s no assumptions or prejudices in that name, I think we can all live with that.”
Rumours of a split in ALF have been confirmed after it was revealed that a faction of the group have broke away in protest that the name ALF reminds them of Alf the alien, who, they claim, portrayed a Jewish stereotype alien.
