American EDM group Krewella have sensationally fired their manager, Jake Udell, in controversial circumstances just days after a lawsuit was filed against them by former bandmate Rain Man.
Rain Man, real name Kris Trindl, was forced out of the EDM supergroup after he checked out of detox following issues with alcoholism – a disease which doctors claim mostly afflicts “people who can’t hack the session, business men from the 50s and the Irish, although in most Irish cases the disease goes unreported as the patients are misdiagnosed with being “the life of the party”.
According to Trindl, the remaining members of Krewella, aka sisters Jahan and Yasmine Yousaf, muscled him out of the band because when he was released from detox he had become “boring” and “unwilling to party with them”.
Trindl has filed a lawsuit against the sisters to the tune of $5 million, stating that he has “contractual right to receive his one-third equity share in any commercial exploitation of the Krewella brand”.
Just when it seemed that things could not become any more controversial for the Yousaf sisters, they have added fuel to the already blazing fire, which is being dubbed “Krewellagate”, by sacking their long term manager, Jake Udell, on grounds of him being “a spoil sport” and a “lame ass dick wad”.
“We used to really like Jake. He was always so much fun and up for a laugh because he drank and abused drugs but ever since we got rid of that boring, sober, loser Rain Man he just turned into a complete dullard who kept preventing us from partying so we could play shows and make money,” explained Jahan when Wunderground caught up with the sisters earlier today.
“Plus he’s totally intimidated by strong women, as soon as he lost his little boyfriend Rain Man he just turned into a total douche,” continued a visibly drunk Yasmine. “Yesterday we wanted to get wasted and play strip poker but he just wouldn’t agree to play so we fired him, screw him anyway – we’re Krewella and we do what we want,” she added before swallowing enough tequila to kill a small donkey.
“Yasmine even offered to show him her boobs even if he lost but he just straight out refused,” added Jahan. “He must be totally gay in the dick because Yasmine is super hot. I bet half the guys in the world would dress up as a woman to see Yasmine’s boobs, they’d probably even smoke a dick if she let them cop a feel,” claimed the sister in between snorting lines of uncut cocaine and swallowing handfuls of prescription medication.
“He had to go, we just can’t stand it when guys say no to us,” continued a spiteful Jasmine. “Daddy never did – until that time he “slipped” on the stairs – and that’s the way we look at it,” she added before looking at her sister and laughing maniacally.
“We don’t need Jake or Rain Man or any other guys for that manner,” continued Jahan, or was it Jasmine, we’re struggling to tell at this stage. “We’re strong independent women and we’re willing to sack as many producers and managers as it takes to push us all the way to the top.”
Unconfirmed reports suggest Udell is preparing a legal case against the Yousaf sisters, after he was seen conferring with David Guetta and Steve Aoki, both of whom are really good at having high priced lawyers send letters to people.
HA the last sentence makes it… I see what you did there, Wunderground.
The last sentence 🙂
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