Jayne’s boyfriend Carl’s only real purpose at the upcoming Secret Solstice festival is to hold her bag while she sits on his shoulders throughout sets from bands he actively despises, it has emerged.
Witnesses claim that Carl will maintain a surly expression throughout most of the festival while being dragged to a variety of stages and activities that he’s totally not into.
“Boyfriends are great, if Carl wasn’t here I’d be lost without him, I’d have to carry my own needlessly big, inappropriate bag and wouldn’t be able to look at the DJs pushing the buttons,” explained Jayne, while wrecklessly spilling a drink on a passerby. “He always has a couple of lighters on him as well, he’s a dote.”
Friends say that Carl, who isn’t that into music in the first place, goes to all the festivals with Jayne where he can be spotted standing next to her looking tired and uncomfortable while she has a fantastic time.
Carl says that despite his obvious discomfort in being spending the entire festival as a glorified man servant he actually does enjoy himself and isn’t actively praying for it all to end so he can go home and have beans on toast.
“No, Jayne isn’t using me at all, I like it when she expects me to carry all of her stuff while she drunkenly flirts with people and forces me to stay up late drinking with people I don’t know and blokes who obviously want to shag her,” he explained. “I’m not a dryshite who should just stand up for himself, ditch her and have a good time, even though I’ve been called that repeatedly.”
