It has emerged today that the entire human population is set to grow fashionable beards on their faces by this winter.
A fashion report published in Cosmopolitan magazine for women, and men who want to read the sex advice column for insider tips, has made the claim that beards “are the look of the year” and that every person on Earth will be powerless against the conforming power of being bearded.
“We fully expect every human alive to grow a hipster beard by next spring at the latest,” claimed the article which insists that thus far a whopping 70% of the entire male human population now has a beard. “That figure will steadily increase throughout the rest of the year as beards continue their stranglehold on popular culture.”
The report insists that being bearded is “a super sexy look for summer or winter” that has become a global phenomenon which has been popularised by Eurovision-winning drag queens and is also praised for helping to rejuvenate the image of bearded Muslim terror suspects who, according to fashionistas, seem “so on point right now”.
The report claims that supposed fashion icons will unashamedly jump on the bandwagon and follow in the footsteps of Eurovision winner Conchita Wurst (pictured) by forgoing shaving until they grow hipster beards – with Lady Gaga’s expected to grow within about 2 to 3 days.
“Beards started off in the hipster boroughs of Brooklyn in New York and Dalston in London but they’ve literally and metaphorically grown to cover the entire world, and your face,” continued the report. “It’s not known yet whether growing a beard will also cause a cynical disdain for popular culture and lead to people wearing ankle exposing trousers with sandals but we sincerely hope it doesn’t come to that.”
“Whatever way you look at it,” concluded the article, “beards are mainstream now and eventually everyone, even children, will have one perched proudly on their chins. It’s the biggest synchronized pop cultural craze since everyone got into Rubix Cubes.”
