In troubling news for the mammy industry, breast milk has today been declared the most dangerous gateway drug in the world after 99% of drug addicts admitted to drinking it as babies.
The shocking statistic comes after a worldwide survey on drug addicts with dependencies to a range of substances including heroin, methamphetamine, crack cocaine, Percocet and Valium and confirms the theory that breast milk is a precursor to harder drugs.
“There have been a number of theories and hypotheses written about breast milk as a gateway drug but up until now they’ve mostly just been laughed at,” explained addiction expert Lindsay Lohan. “This was the first ground level research that’s been carried out on the subject and the results are mindblowingly bad, now we’ve proven beyond all possible doubt that breast milk is a gateway drug.”
Dublin based heroin addict, Paul Adams, claims that his earliest memory is “sucking on his Ma’s tit” and has felt a desire to take drugs every single day since.
“Ah yeah I loved the aul breast milk when I was nipper,” confirmed Adams earlier. “I used to be sucking on me Ma’s tits for hours on end so I did. You do get a great buzz off it but eventually it’s not enough any more and you move onto solid foods, then, one thing leads to another, and before you know it you’re sitting down the back of a bus injecting smack into your toes. You know what I mean?”
According to one scientist, breast milk could, in fact, be a gateway to all addictions and not just drugs.
“I think we’re only barely scraping the surface of the problem here,” explained scientist John Holmes. “According to my research, all addictive personalities are a direct result of breast milk consumption. I’m sure if we asked a million gamblers, sex addicts or alcoholics if they were breast fed, the vast majority of them would say ‘yes.’”
“I don’t think I’m being out of line when I say breast milk is quite possibly the scourge of man and capable of destroying all of society as we know it.”
Reports from around the globe reveal that pre-pumped breast milk is now the world’s most in demand commodity and is selling at a street price of up to $5,000 per barrel.
“People are crazy for it, just last week I was minding my own business outside my local store when a bedraggled looking man approached me, opened his jacket to reveal three pints of semi-skinned tit juice and asked me ‘got milk?'”
