A young British holidaymaker has today been dramatically hospitalised and put on emergency dialysis after he sold his kidney to pay for a week in the ever more expensive party island of Ibiza.
The young man, Adam Blake, a struggling builder from Norwich who lists Calvin Harris and Paris Hilton among his favourite musicians and likes to combine dancing with working out, is believed to have undergone the operation after planning the holiday without realising exactly how expensive Ibiza can be.
“I just really wanted to go to Ibiza, I had been reading all about it in Heat magazine and it sounded amazing with all the D-list celebrities, foam parties and expensive night clubs,” explained a barely conscious Adam from his hospital bed. “I had no way of making enough money to go so I figured I already had one kidney so what’s the point in having two?”
Adam claims that a quick search online allowed him to locate a buyer for the kidney within about five minutes. “I actually got a really good deal selling it to a collector in Stoke-on-Trent who paid extra if I left the piss in it and stuffed any openings with cotton wool and Sellotape,” claimed Adam. “He paid me £2000 up front and I got a cool scar that I was able to show off when I got there.”
“He was able to do the operation right there in a bath in the back of his van,” claimed an excited Adam. “He made me breathe some gas and when I woke up the kidney was gone. I felt a little dizzy and had some pain in my rectum as well as a strange white cream in my mouth but he just stuffed is penis back into his pants and assured me that it was just a side effect of the anaesthetic.”
Using his £2000 Adam boarded the first flight for Ibiza but soon discovered that even selling your kidney in a back alley deal is not enough to maintain the lavish Ibiza lifestyle being sold in celeb magazines by companies whose only aim is to prostitute club culture for money.
“It’s actually more expensive than I thought it would be,” offered Adam who claimed that the only way that anybody can afford Ibiza right now is by selling body parts, your body or drugs.
“Within about a day I was trying to sell my appendix and baby toes in San Antonio. Eventually I got offered a cool job with a drug gang who claimed they’d also give me a free trip to Peru but my holiday was just ending and having been to all the commercial nights on the island I’d already seen all of the real Ibiza I wanted.”
In spite of his ordeal Adam claims his week in Ibiza was the best holiday ever despite running out of money within about 45 minutes, selling a kidney and never leaving San Antonio.
“It was amazing, I saw Paris Hilton waving from behind some desk with electronic equipment on it and I even saw a bruised Justin Bieber talking to his reflection in a club toilet,” gushed Adam. “Seeing celebs, meeting drug gangs and spending money I don’t have on shit I don’t need – it was the definitive Ibiza experience.”
