News emerging from Scotland this afternoon indicates that Buckfast is set to replace water as the “giver of life”.
The astonishing development comes after an archaeological dig on the Orkney Islands uncovered an ancient bottle of Buckfast, thought to be over one million years old.
“This is a very significant discovery,” claimed lead archaeologist Winston Dinkler. “If we are correct, the bottle of Buckfast far outdates what we previously believed to be the first human settlements in this area and casts doubts on all major theories of settlement and human evolution in the Pan-European era.”
“It is distinctly possible that all life on this planet is spawned from Buckfast and not water as had previously been taught by evolutionists,” continued Mr Dinkler. “And it also proves that Buckfast is actually Scottish, something that all Scottish people already knew, and not from the south west of England where it is currently made.”
“It looks like the monks must have taken the Buckfast to England after the introduction of Christianity to the area to hide the truth about the tonic wine’s miraculous life giving powers,” explained the archaeologist. “It explains why it is such an important part of Scottish culture and why the pussy English are afraid to drink it.”
Wunderground took the news on Buckfast to the streets of Glasgow to get the public’s’ opinion.
Pat, fifty three, said, “Eye, I’m not surprised Buckfast is the giver of life. Half the wee girls in Pollock who have babies were steaming pissed on it when they got knocked up.”
“It could also be the taker of life too though, ‘cause every time some poor wee cunt gets stabbed there’s been Bucky involved. I don’t care either way, I drink it because it’s rocket fuel. Yeeeooowwwww!”
