Scottish EDM heartthrob Calvin Harris has topped Forbes’s World’s Biggest Wanker list for the second consecutive year.
According to friends, Harris, who gave up making any effort with his music in 2010 to concentrate on important things like dating pop stars and doing well in lists, is said to be ecstatic after topping the World’s Biggest Wanker list for the second year in a row and plans on celebrating by “doing normal wankery stuff like wanking, flaunting money in front of homeless people, wiping dog shit on bus seats and telling children that Santa isn’t real”.
Harris, who also tops Forbes’s richest “DJ” list, a list which weirdly contains no DJs, spoke to Wunderground about his latest success, “I am funking brilliant and I’m rich. I’m fucking brilliantly rich.”
“Being the biggest wanker in the world is fucking awesome, you can pretty much say and do whatever you want. You sniveling cockfaced cuntbag,” explained Harris in true wanker style. “The more obnoxious and arrogant I am the more famous I get. I’ve actually become so much of a wanker that I’ve forgotten what it was like to be a nice, poor, pathetic person, just like the rest of you plebs.”
Harris also revealed how he manages to fit being a wanker and music production into his hectic schedule, “At the moment I spend about ten percent of my time making ‘music,'” he said while making the inverted commas sign with his hands, “and the other ninety percent counting money and being a wanker.”
“Lately I’ve been spending a lot of time in elevators, I don’t even want to go anywhere I just get into them, wait until they fill up with people and then fart. It’s things like that that really make life worth living,” he said before bending over and squeezing out the most vile smelling fart ever produced by a land mammal. “Can you imagine that in a confined space?” he asked while laughing and wafting the fart towards this Wunderground reporter’s face with an open hand.
Harris, pictured above trying to fool Tiesto into sniffing a finger he’s had up his arse, also revealed that he has some big plans for next year, including “spitting on people and small cute animals” and introducing elements of “wanking” and “good old fashioned Scottish racism” into his shows, in order to make sure that he is top of the World’s Biggest Wanker list again in 2015.
