The world of outdoor recreation has been thrown into disarray today after a leading American Scout Leader revealed that camping is now just a posh way of saying taking drugs in a field.
The Scout Leader, who has asked to remain anonymous in fear of his life, confirmed that anyone over the age of eighteen who claims to be going camping is actually going on a weekend of outdoor debauchery, often resulting in casual sex and drug abuse.
“As far as I’m concerned, and I’m a Scout Leader with the rank of Sparrow Hawk so I know what I’m talking about, camping stops being about the camping and starts being about getting fucked up when you become an adult,” confirmed the whistleblower. “Once you discover alcohol, drugs and sex you stop caring about nature and all that outdoorsy stuff so any adult who claims they’re going camping for any other reason than getting fucked up is either lying or protecting their children’s innocence.”
“The only reason I’m even a Scout Leader is because of the camping trips, they’re called trips for a reason, the last time I camped in Arizona I ate enough peyote to kill a small horse, I was tripping for weeks,” continued the Sparrow Hawk. “Why else would I be hanging out with hundreds of little dweeby kids? As soon as those little dorks go to bed, usually with the aid of some crushed up Xanax in their cocoa, the fun really starts.”
“There’s just something in our nature as humans that makes us want to party out in the open,” claimed the anonymous Scout Leader. “And camping has been an excellent alias for getting on it out in a field for centuries. It doesn’t stop at camping either, potholing and orienteering are both just excuses for taking drugs in various outdoor places and don’t even ask about mountaineering or rock climbing, those guys are into all sorts of crazy shit.”
English parent and camping enthusiast Jon Sparkes also spoke to Wunderground, “I fucking love camping. Well, not the actual camping part of it, that’s shit, who actually likes sleeping on the ground? But the whole drink, drugs and sex part is amazing. Last week, myself and the wife took the kids camping in the Lake District. The daytime was horrible and boring but once we got the kids off to sleep me and the misses smoked some heroin and fucked all night under the stars.”
“It was proper romantic, then we took some ketamine and went for a mystery walk in the forest. We got lost and it took us six hours to find the tent again, by the time we got back the kids were awake and crying hysterically, it was hilarious. We’ll probably go camping again this weekend.”
