After Hours

Champion Race Horse Sets New Land Speed Record After Cocaine Ketamine Mix Up

A champion race horse in Kildare, Ireland, has set a new land speed record after it was given cocaine instead of ketamine prior to a small medical procedure.

The horse, which can not be named for legal reasons, is believed to have reached speeds of up to four hundreds miles per hour after a veterinarian gave him an injection of high quality Peruvian cocaine.

“I’ve never seen anything like it before,” claimed stable worker Ian O’Donoghue. “These horses are finely tuned machines, true biologically engineered masterpieces so I’m quite used to being surprised by what they can do but this was different, It was like he had a jet engine up his arse, I’ve never seen anything move that fast.”

“He was doing laps of the of the training circuit in a few seconds, he ran around there for about an hour and he must have done a thousand laps,” revealed Mr. O’Donoghue. “Then he walked back over to the stables and started neighing like crazy, we couldn’t shut the fucker up.”

“After that he drank about fifty litres of water and mounted one of the mares,” continued the stable worker. “He was riding her like the clappers for about four hours but he didn’t bust a nut, good job too cause she has a race in a couple of weeks, eventually he just collapsed in the corner and slept it off. I actually had quite a similar experience on coke myself a couple of weeks ago.”

According to Dr. Oonagh Brophy, the veterinarian in question, the horse was given two hundred and fifty milligrams of high quality cocaine, which belonged to her husband, who has now gone to play golf with his boss, with two and a half grams of pure horse grade ketamine in his pocket.

Reports suggest that the horse is no longer suitable for racing after he was exposed to recreational drugs and it is believed he has been sold to David Guetta, who has shipped him to Ibiza, where he will act as his own personal transport, musical consultant and lover.

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