Cliff Richards has announced that he is to record a cover version of Jeff Mills’s timeless techno anthem The Bells in an attempt to reclaim the coveted Christmas number one spot.
Richards, who has four previous Christmas number ones, claims to have “recently discovered the joys of techno” during an all day party in Bruce Forsythe’s house.
“I never realised how good techno was,” claimed Richards earlier this week. “To be honest with you, I’d never really listened to it before and just presumed it was totally shit, like a lot of that dancey music you hear in the charts, I didn’t realise that some of it has some real substance to it.”
“Brucey invited me around to his house a couple of weeks ago to listen to ‘some tunes’, I was expecting some George Formby and maybe some Cilla Black classics but the old fox had something completely different in mind,” continued Richards. “He said to me ‘Cliff I’m going to introduce you to Jeff Mills, you can thank me later’ and turned on this incredibly uplifting music.”
“At first I thought it was a bit too much but after I adjusted the volume on my hearing aids I really started to appreciate the beauty and the complexity of the music,” revealed the seventy six year old. “Then he passed me a plate full of ket, after two or three fat slugs I really connected with the music, it was an amazing experience.”
“I’ve been looking for a new sound, something to give me one last crack at another Christmas number one before I bite the bucket,” continued Richards. “As soon as I heard the track ‘The Bells’ I knew I’d found it, it has everything a Christmas number one needs and with a little bit of work I’m confident I can have my own version recorded in time to get in the race.”
While it is not yet clear whether or not Cliff Richards will still be alive on Christmas Day, bookies have installed him as this year’s favourite to be top of the charts on 25 December.
