Clubber Hopeful Newborn Baby Won’t Get In The Way Of Partying Lifestyle
Proud new father, Jack Horne, a 25-year-old DJ from London has today claimed he’s pretty hopeful that being responsible for keeping a small baby alive until it turns 18 won’t get in the way of his partying ways.
“How hard could it be,” asked Jack coolly, “it’s just like having a cat or a dog only it eats different stuff and grew out of a glob of your semen inside a woman’s pussy.”
“Other than that there are literally no other differences,” he added. “I’ll make sure to feed it and walk it every day, they play fetch as well right? Dogs are probably harder to be fair, babies at least just lie there most of the time.
“If it starts crying at night I’ll just turn up the tunes, or ask my girlfriend Claire to sort it out,” he added. “I’m sure it’ll be fine and I won’t have every weekend or social function ruined by having to pay a babysitter to carry out a specific set of instructions that I’ll then stress and worry about throughout the whole evening, only feeling relieved when I get home to the baby and see he’s safe and not dead. That won’t happen at all.”
Jack says that because he’s a DJ his job requires him to often be gone for long weekends playing a gig for two hours and partying for the other 36 – “ but that’s just an aspect of being a DJ, I have to network at parties and gigs over a few drinks and lines. Sober DJs are invariably not doing very well, being a DJ in 2015 is like being an ad exec in 1962 – drinking is a part of the job”.
“I’m sure I can find a balance between having a shiftless weekend drug habit and the responsibility of ensuring that a small human being doesn’t die from neglect, it’ll be fine,” continued Jack. “I can still have my weekends and my social life isn’t basically over, I don’t know why people keep telling me that I’ll never be able to enjoy a moment of freedom to go on a three day bender again, but I totally will.”
Jack claims that he’ll be a responsible father/DJ and will always make sure to give the baby ear plugs so the constant sounds of pumping techno don’t give it early onset tinnitus.
“It’ll be fine, the other day he almost ate a pill that I had left on the floor of the living room but I got to him before he could drop it,” said Jack. “He was a bit disappointed that he couldn’t put the bright thing into his mouth but I gave him a bowl of milk and he was sorted. He’s actually a pretty alright kid.”
“The crying sound he made worked really well over a sample of You Got The Love. I’m going to drop it next week and if it’s a hit I’ll figure out some other ways to make him cry and record it. Some quality father and son time.”
Jack claims that he’ll alternate babysitting duty between both his and his girlfriend Claire’s parents and assures us that “everything is cushty, this raising babies shit is a piece of piss.”
“This child is going to be so happy and get the best education in Chicago house teh world has to offer,” concluded Jack. “I’m not going to shirk on the techno side of things either. In fact, I’m going to Berlin in March and have never been able to get into Berghain but the internet told me that they’re more likely to let you in if you look a bit mad and interesting so I figure if they see me and baby Joe in matching crotchless chaps, biker hats and chains, they’ll definitely let me in.”