It has emerged that cocaine, as well as being a great stimulant for ravers, plot point in crime films and facilitator for talking about screenplays, is also great for “scoring milfs” according to a local drug dealer.
The drug dealer, Aaron Lewis, made the announcement that cocaine “makes any man irresistible to milfs including teachers, friends Mum’s and women off the telly” to a group of young impressionable teen males in an alley today.
The young men were hoping to just buy some weed to impress girls in school when Aaron dropped the revelation that cocaine “makes you seem older and cooler, like Leonardo Di Caprio in The Wolf of Wall Street or any person doing cocaine in a film ever made except for Requiem For A Dream“.
“I couldn’t believe it,” enthused Jamie Williams, who said he immediately purchased a one hundred euro bag, jumped on his bike and cycled to his friend Mike’s house so he could accidentally drop the bag of cocaine in front of Mike’s mum, Janet, who he says has “nice tits and smells like Timotei shampoo and scones”.
“There’s nothing milfs or FHM models or hot teachers love more than an underage boy with free cocaine,” asserted Aaron to the young men gathered. “If they see you doing coke then they’ll probably give you a handjob at the very least which you can keep in the wank bank forever.”
All the boys present are reported to have bought a bag of cocaine each netting Aaron a profit of five hundred euro after which he assured them that he “definitely, definitely, definitely wasn’t bullshitting them” before telling them a boner inducing story of “hooking up with that flirty milf that works in Tesco who they all fancy”.
