For the 50th year running, South American white gold is set to be the top seller this Christmas – leaving traditional gifts like PS4s, socks and hash in the distance.
“It’s the indulgent gift of the season,” explained cocaine spokesperson Nigel Escobar, “that one that people save up for all year to buy, it’s Christmas, everyone deserves a little taste of the high life.”
“For me, it’s just not Christmas without a fat bag of white in my stocking,” explained 29 year old mother of two Jessica, while wiping her scabbed nose and taking her fifth line of the morning. “It’s not something I’d do every day, only Christmas, and weekends, and most evenings.”
“It’s a classy, Christmassy treat that all the family can enjoy,” elaborated Jessica. “I was going to buy my daughter a Frozen doll for Christmas but figured why have some fake Disney snow princess when she can bang a few lines of chalk into her and feel like a real princess.”
“There’s just no comparison,” she added. “I’ll do whatever I can to make my child’s Christmas magical and innocent and full of wonder, thankfully cocaine lets me do all those things.”
Nigel claimed that stocks of cocaine are expected to sell out this year so warned people to beat the rush and stock up early – “but not too early or else it’ll all have been snorted before the 18th”.
“It’s the perfect gift for a husband, a girlfriend even a parent if they’re sound and not uptight,” concluded Nigel. “It’s great to share with co-workers in a cramped cubicle at a Christmas party or with a friend immediately after you’ve eaten your Christmas dinner when the unwritten rule that it’s okay to start partying properly comes into effect, through the use of drugs.”
“You can even get to use the quip ‘I’m expecting a white Christmas’ and smile knowingly while everyone laughs and your soul dies a little,” he added.
