A young college freshman, Keith White, has confessed his excitement to Wunderground regarding the possibility of lying about every aspect of his entire personality.
Conducting what he has described as a “whole sale reimagining” of his entire being Keith has said that his “nerdy fascination with Dungeons and Dragons, love of Michael Buble and long afternoons stalking girls on Facebook” are now things of the past thanks to the possibilities of “just making a personality up” for college.
The transformation is set to be both superficial and physical with Keith employing a host of wardrobe and hairstyle changes to match his new personality with Keith favouring the “slicked side part look favoured by everybody right now especially fashionable footballers and DJs like Joey Barton and Hot Since 82”.
“I’ve decided to pretend that back in my home town I was a DJ slash promoter slash skateboarder with loads of friends who are mostly chicks because I’m so super comfortable and confident around ‘da laydeez,'” confessed the once shy Keith. “I don’t even know how to mix and am slightly scared by banging techno and the only ever time I’ve been in a nightclub it was an under 16s disco and I wet myself from drinking too much lemonade.”
“I still have nightmares of the girls all pointing and laughing at the pissy outline of my circumcised penis on the tight white shorts my mother had made me wear,” he tearfully added.
Some of the lies that Keith has already told his new college chums include “fingering 10 girls, seeing Daft Punk live when he was 12, meeting Jay Z on a flight and fighting and winning against a guy who was easily six foot six”.
Keith expects that he will be able to maintain the lie regarding his personality by “being purposefully vague on details, expert ability to change the subtly change awkward subjects and by relying on the fact that every single one of ]his] college mates are lying about their personalities too”.
“They have to be lying, they can’t all have gotten trials for Man U, slept with over 2 women and have once called David Guetta a prick to his face,” he concluded. “No one is that cool.”
