A report published today by the International Association of Behavioural Science has found an undeniable link between electronic dance music and an inability to stay in and quietly do nothing.
The report, conducted under the leadership of lead researcher Dr. Andrea Cullings, indicated that amongst people who identify as dance music fans at least 100% of them have difficulty staying in when they’re presented with the option of raving.
“Throughout the course of our research into extremely sociable people, those who would be out for two nights or more in a week, we found that all of them were either alcoholics or dance music fans or, as in the case of nearly two thirds of those surveyed, both an alcoholic and a dance music fan,” claimed Dr. Cullings. “There’s some inherent quality of dance music that seems to make it impossible for people to enjoy a quiet night in.”
“For these people, cosy nights in with a bottle of wine, a nice meal and some movies are almost an impossibility, like a self effacing politician or world peace or genuinely smart taxi drivers,” continued Dr. Cullings. “People who like dance music will invariably struggle to relax and enjoy lazily unwinding because in the back, and often front, of their minds they’re thinking about how much drugs and dancing they could be doing.”
“Usually, within about two glasses of wine, the dance music fan will say ‘fuck it’ and head out to the nearest club or will be scrolling frantically through his or her phone to procure drugs and organise a house party,” she added.
One music fan who completed the study, Stuart Bryant, insisted that he suffered from extreme cases of fear of missing out (FOMO) whenever he elected to try and stay in. “No matter what I do on a Friday or Saturday, and even Sundays, I’ll at some point get an almost uncontrollable urge to neck pills, shag birds and ruin my Monday.”
Stuart claims that on Fridays he can’t “listen to any banging mixes, read Resident Advisor, watch Human Traffic or turn on his phone” or else he’ll have to deal with the temptation of going out on the town. When we asked why it was so difficult for him to just say no to going out he simply responded “well, because techno” before listening to some techno and leaving the interview to “find a session”.
“If dance music didn’t exist then I’d probably be able to stay in and watch the Last Waltz with a few spliffs and a couple of wanks before getting an early night,” concluded Stuart. “But I know it exists and know that I could be in a dank basement sweating bullets at 144bpm while one part of my brain dies and another part is born while I’m smiling at the same time as thinking how fucked my head is going to be for the next few days…fuck it, I’ve talked myself into it, know anywhere I can get some pills?”
