Shocking news has emerged from the dance music world today that claims techno stalwart Dave Clarke “makes a shit cup of tea”.
This absolutely harrowing suggestion was made by a source close to Mr. Clarke who insists that the legendary British techno DJ “couldn’t make a decent cuppa to save his life”.
“You’d think someone with an intimate understanding of mixing, timing and rhythm would be able to master the basics of tea making,” offered the source. “He basically wets the teabag then plucks it out unceremoniously without even the slightest attention to detail. It just shows a disgusting disregard for the regenerative power of a nice cup of tea.”
The source claimed that having witnessed a callous Mr. Clarke make tea on numerous occasions that the DJ “doesn’t even give the teabag a gentle stir around the mug or a squeeze against the rim of the cup to extract the tea goodness as is standard” and that the shiftless tea-hating Mr. Clarke “puts the sugar and milk in before the teabag like a man who actively hates making tea and who I wouldn’t be surprised to discover spits phlegmy gobs into the cup”.
“I suspect that he resents making the tea,” continued the source, “and so purposely makes it as shit as he can so that he’s no longer asked to make it. One time he made me a cup of tea that still had an old crusty teabag covered in some suds that he hadn’t even given a rinse. It tasted like drinking old soapy lemon skin.”
“He might be the Baron of Techno but he’s no Baron of Tetley,” he added.
When Wunderground approached Mr. Clarke to defend himself from these upsetting accusations he denied them and welcomed us into his kitchen where he offered to make us a cup of tea as proof of his tea making abilities, but unfortunately the tea was never tasted after the teabag somehow caught fire causing extensive damage to the coasters in the shape of Dave’s face while also smashing the cup and blinding a passing cat in one eye.
