In a bid to cut down on the amount of splash back making it onto the world’s public toilet seats new government guidelines on appropriate drunken behaviour have suggested that men “such piss directly from their penises” as a preventative measure.
“It’s plain to see that drunk men can’t be trusted to aim correctly while trying to stand up straight and hold a pint at the same time,” suggested an Tory spokesperson. “Yes, using the wall to balance and closing one eye can help but it’s just not enough and something needs to be done about this really, really important EU-wide issue.”
Under the plan all men will have to carry a 3 foot long piece of rubber tubing at all times which will attach to the head of their penis when urinating, while there will be leeway given to men caught without the tube if they can demonstrate sufficient skill in aiming hot piss into their own open mouths or if they have freakishly long penises and are capable of taking their penises into their mouths.
“It’s disgusting, my boyfriend always dribbles on the seat and forgets to wipe it up,” claimed one woman who thinks that the initiative is a welcome change. “If they can’t aim properly into the toilet seat then they should be forced to suck the piss directly from each other’s penises, never mind their own.”
David Cameron who claims he spearheaded the initiative after revealing to sycophantic back benchers that he “has been sucking the piss directly from [his] own” penis for years after a stern nanny made him lick up urine droplets that he’d left on the pristine porcelain toilet as a child.
“I like a pint as much as the next man because I’m ordinary and just like you which means that I too have accidentally pissed onto the toilet seat a little bit towards the end when the flow is dying off,” continued Cameron, who repeatedly insisted on being called Dave, “and I’ve always been adequately punished for it but I’m just one man and this needs to be implemented for everybody to address the wider issue of there being a slight bit of piss left on the toilet seat that will give the next person to sit on it a damp leg.”
Dismissing suggestions that men just sit down to piss or aim more carefully as wishful thinking Mr. Cameron claimed that the new initiative, set to be implemented immediately, is “safer, more hygienic and quite tasty” before concluding by saying that “drinking your own piss means that you or someone else won’t have to waste the four seconds it takes to wipe the seat and can spend your time doing something productive like gagging or needing dialysis”.
