Current British Prime Minister David Cameron has announced that he will take ecstasy in a London nightclub this weekend in a bid to win the young vote ahead of the upcoming general elections.
British citizens take to the polls on 7 May to elect the fifty sixth Parliament of the United Kingdom and, despite his three main competitors being a moronic imbecile, the human equivalent of Looney Toons cartoon and a bumbling racist, Cameron is worried that the Conservative Party may be losing a grip it never had on the nation’s youth.
Cameron, a known techno enthusiast, is due to visit the London club this Saturday where he will “bop the night away” to DJs including Terry Francis, Alan Fitzpatrick and Gregor Tresher.
“I’m really looking forward to going out and taking an E with some of our nation’s wonderful young chaps and lassies,” claimed Cameron during a press conference on the steps of Number 10 Downing Street earlier. “I haven’t taken any working class drugs since Boris blew some spliff smoke into my face back in our Oxford days, so it should be a real eye opener.”
According to political advisors, Cameron, pictured above practising his big-fish-little-fish-carboard-box routine, will take one ecstasy tablet at approximately eleven thirty on Saturday evening, he will then spend the next four hours mingling with “the plebs” before being taken back to Downing Street to have his stomach pumped.
“We want the Prime Minister to connect with the young clubbers,” explained Tory mouthpiece Boris Johnson. “But we don’t want him in there long enough to have any of their evil lefty ideals planted in his head, especially not while his senses are dumbed by drugs. We also don’t want him to give up any secrets about paedophile ring cover ups or space lizard invasions so it’s very important we stick to our schedule.”
“If everything goes to plan the PM will seem like a hip, young, progressive leader,” continued Johnson. “Instead of the pathetic, incompetent, sack of entitled, wavering, man flesh that most of the country currently perceive him as. And that ladies and gentlemen is how to win an election.”
Reports that the Prime Minister’s trip to the nightclub would be cancelled after early bird tickets for the event had sold out proved to be false after it was revealed that the cabinet had a whip around to fund the full price £22 ticket for Mr. Cameron.
