EDM megastar, David Guetta, was left panicked and distraught this morning after the butler who normally spoon feeds him all his meals decided to call in sick – leaving Guetta to feed himself “old school”.
Describing the incident as “crazy”, Mr. Guetta, was reportedly forced to feed himself using basic “old school” kitchenware after his butler, Montague, called in sick with a headache from having to spend all day in a recording studio listening to David Guetta talk and play his music.
“I haven’t fed myself since 2005,” explained a distressed Guetta, who displayed cuts around his mouth and chin from where he accidentally stabbed himself while struggling to master the art of using a knife and fork. “When Monty called to say he was ill, I just had to put all my food in a random order on the plate at the last minute, doing it really old school, looking around the plate for what item to eat next.”
“Normally my butler selects all my meals for me, prepares the food, places it on a plate for me, then cuts it into bite size chunks and puts it into my mouth – so I can have more time to sit at the table with my hands in the air, smiling and doing heart hands to my other house staff,” explained Guetta. “I haven’t done it old school like this in years cause it’s so damn tough you know, being responsible for my own food selection then lifting your hand to your mouth and chewing with your own jaw.”
Other members of Guetta’s household staff claim that in their presence David will often mimic using the cutlery so that it looks like he actually remembers how to do it and so that people think he’s a legitimate adult human who doesn’t rely on a manservant to feed him.
Reportedly taking 45 minutes to find, and then master, the sliding mechanism of the cutlery drawer, Guetta, began struggled to use the knife and fork, holding them in the opposite hands and stabbing himself in the face before eventually figuring out their function enough to messily eat his meal of bacon and eggs.
“I didn’t even know where the bibs were kept so I got runny eggs all down the front of my golden beard and my F**k Me I’m Famous pajamas,” concluded an anxious Guetta who insists that from now on he’ll always bring a back up butler to mealtimes with him. “Monty wasn’t here to blow on the hot food before it went into my mouth so now I have a burnt tongue.”
“Some of it even went into my hair,” concluded Guetta, “and Monty’s not here to pick it out, so I’m going to have to figure out how to use the shower and wash myself…this is the craziest, most old school day ever.”
