“David Guetta Is Gay” According To Graffiti On Toilet Cubicle Wall
The music industry is in shock this morning after sprawling graffiti on a nightclub’s toilet cubicle door revealed that French EDM superstar David Guetta is gay.
The discovery, which is set to simultaneously devastate and delight teenage boys and girls all over the world, was made last night in the toilets of Las Vegas’s Hakkasan nightclub.
Clubber, Martin Ullrich, found the graffiti shortly after midnight, he explained the events to Wunderground, “I was in the toilet trying really hard to squeeze out a piss after taking some primo molly when I seen the writing on the wall.”
“At first I was like ‘wow I’m tripping balls!’ but then I was like ‘no way it’s real’ I couldn’t believe my eyes,” explained the shocked EDM fan. “Then I remembered where I was, Hakkasan is like the center of the EDM universe, all of the best DJs in the world play there so I totally believe anything and everything I hear there. Even if it is written on the door of a toilet cubicle.”
“It’s never even crossed my mind that David Guetta might be gay before but looking at it now, with the hair, the clothes and the music it totally makes sense,” he continued. “Plus he has that uber-camp French accent. Apparently seventy percent of French people are either gay or Canadian.”
“It really doesn’t make any difference to me I’ll still love his music,” added Mr. Ullrich. “As long as he’s spreading peace, love, unity and respect, and not going around raping kids, I say good for him and wish him all the happiness in the world.”
Guetta, who recently divorced his wife of twenty years, has so far remained quiet on the topic, although an anonymous source from within his vast legal team has rubbished the reports, claiming that the graffiti was a tactic used to derail his client’s bid to once again reach the summit of the DJ Mag Top 100 DJs poll, leaving Mr. Guetta with no option but to begrudgingly and pathetically beg fans for their votes at every possible occasion.
According to industy insider the walls of Hakkasan’s toilet cubicles also revealed that “Miley Cyrus is a slut”, “Calvin Harris wears women’s underwear” and “Steve Aoki has no cock”, although none of these revelations were in any way shocking.