The world of dance music was bereft today after it emerged that EDM golden couple David Guetta and his hair are to split after his hair filed for divorce this week.
Sources close to the formerly inseparable couple have claimed that hair, who has been with David for 20 years, had become sick of being mistreated by David’s hard living ways.
“I think the hair, in spite of loving David, just had enough of the hard partying lifestyle of an international ‘DJ’ cum pop-producer,” explained a friend of the couple, Calvin Harris’s six pack. “The way he was living was really affecting the glossiness and sheen of the tresses.”
“He just wasn’t giving hair enough attention, not putting the time in to show how much love and care he felt,” flexed Calvin Harris’s stomach meat, who says that Calvin treats him right by always rubbing him and letting him catch squirts of loving semen. “No self respecting hair is going to stay around while its body isn’t giving it the time and affection it, deserves by washing it regularly and brushing it – it got to the stage where he wasn’t even conditioning.”
“Apparently he hadn’t even given it a complimentary sniff in months,” added the sentient body part. “The way he was treating it, hair was just getting brittle, dull and lifeless with split ends and, rumour has it, lice.”
“It had no choice but to leave,” continued Calvin Harris’s pube flecked midriff, getting quite chatty now. “In all those L’Oreal adverts David had told millions of people’s hair that they were worth it, maybe he should have told his own every once in a while.”
Lawyers representing the hair expect that it can expect to receive half of David’s money by claiming that the blonde mane is part of the Guetta brand and has helped David, seen here with the hair in happier times, secure vital marketing contracts and hair commercials.
“It’s part of his look, you think of David and you immediately think of his hair,” claimed one Guetta fan with listening disabilities, “it’ll be strange to live in a world where David Guetta has a crew cut or jeri curls, but that’s what we’re faced with.”
It is believed by many that the hair’s unhappiness might have reached the final strand when David wore a ponytail for his Tomorrowland show earlier this year.
“It’s the biggest gig of the year,” confided a source, “he should be showing his hair off proudly and twirling it while dancing but instead he had it tied up in an uncomfortable and unflattering ponytail while he just stared off into space like a dull, lifeless mong.”
“You know in all this drama, the one I feel sorry for is David Guetta’s body hair, it won’t be easy growing up as a child of follicle divorce,” observed one observer. “The important thing for David and his hair to do now is to assure the rest of his body hair, especially pubes and armpit, that just because David and head hair don’t love each other any more doesn’t mean that they love body hair any less.”
The hair has already been rumoured to be moving on from David and was seen enjoying a romantic candlelit dinner with Tiesto’s knuckle hair, although sources claim they are just friends and that Guetta’s hair and Avicii’s eyebrows are the much more likely item.
