A local dealer is reportedly changing his phone number for the fifth time this year in a bid to seem dangerous and notorious to his group of customers for the purposes of impressing the feeble minded among them who think that that sort of thing is cool.
“Yeah every once in a while I’ll change up, like they do in The Wire,” explained local hash and sometimes weed dealer Alan Turnball. “I’ll even use the terms like ‘change up’ and ‘re-up’ as if it’s part of my everyday speech and not just something I robbed from a TV show in a bid to seem bad.”
“Usually when I do it, I’ll disassemble all the parts of the phone completely and dump them in different bins on a busy street, all the while informing whoever is with me that I do that so the police won’t track me,” continued Alan, who claims that he’s actually never been in trouble with the police before and was only ever suspended from school once for kicking a pigeon who had shat on his leg which he maintains was a form of self defense.
“I know that obviously the police aren’t tracking a small time dealer like me,” explained Alan, seen her trying to look menacing, “but most of the people I deal with aren’t aware of the massive financial and man power outlay required to arrest actual traffickers never mind a nobody like me.”
Alan claims that he sometimes likes to kick up something of a fuss if a friend or customer mentions drugs directly on the phone by vehemently chastising them for using drug talk “in case the fuzz are listening” even though they definitely, definitely, definitely aren’t.
“It’s all about making them believe that you’re a weed smoking, criminal so I’ll act proper suspect around em and listen only to gangsta rap,” he continued. “Sometimes I’ll make them use codes, it makes them feel like they’re also part of a massive criminal conspiracy rather than just buying some smoke off a bloke who has a routine for his wanks and only leaves the house to buy ice cream and beer.”
Some of Alan’s customers, who know him only as Al Weed or Al Pot, report that he changes his number at least every 3 months and that this must mean “that he’s quite a high up smuggler” even though he’s 18 and lives at home with his parents.
“Every couple of months I’ll get a text from an unknown number that’ll just say ‘Al new number, u looking for any?’ or just ‘Al new num, only call if u want any’,” explained one of Alan’s customers. “Usually the grammar is poorer than that though but it’s still quite impressive that he has to change numbers to stay one step ahead of the police. If I wasn’t straight I’d probably want to have sex all over his bad boy gangster body.”
