Peckham’s favourite market trading duo DelBoy & Rodney Trotter are set to return to the nation’s screens this Christmas for a gritty Only Fools & Horses special which will see the duo sell crystal meth on the streets of London.
“The story picks up in the present day and sees DelBoy being bankrupted in a scheme selling used nappies to Africa,” explained ITV shitehawk and writer Val Milligan. “On the same day Walter, I mean Del, is told that he has inoperable cancer giving him a mere six months to live.”
“Faced with leaving no money or security behind for Racquel and Damien, DelBoy scrambles for a way to leave enough for them to survive after he’s gone,” continued Val. “Supercilious car salesman Boycie offers to help DelBoy with the payments for treatment but, in a pique of pride, DelBoy refuses his offer and starts on the path that will see him sell meth.”
“I don’t think there’s ever been a story like this told,” continued Val. “I was watching Breaking Bad one day over my morning cocaine when, in a flash of inspiration, the idea came to me….’I should steal this concept wholesale, throw in some beloved British sitcom stars and sell it to the highest bidder.'”
“So I guess, in a way, you could say that Breaking Bad inspired me,” he added.
According to leaked script reports, or by speculatively filling in the blanks of superimposing the Breaking Bad storyline onto Only Fools & Horses, DelBoy ends up recruiting the help of Boycie’s drug dealing son, Jamie, who has his father’s slick salesman patter as well as knowledge of cooking meth and magnets§ – “yeah bitch, magnets!”
“With Jamie’s help, DelBoy and Rodney inadvertently become the biggest meth dealers in London selling a brand of plaid coloured meth that proves a big hit with the city’s meth users,” explained Val, “but also puts a dent in the market of hardcore east end crime thug Keith Chegwin.”
“Keith brought a lot to the role of Tucky,” explained an ITV exec. “A lot of people didn’t think a character who only shouted in cockney rhyming slang would be believable or that wearing a prosthetic bum would work but now, they’re both integral parts of the character.”
Other characters that DelBoy and Rodney encounter as they become drug lords include a gruff talking hitman, Mick, played by Sir Alan Sugar and fruity lawyer Sal, played by Dale Winton in a hairpiece.
Throughout the course of the three part special DelBoy becomes increasingly egomaniacal and protective of his new criminal empire, which extends to New York, Paris and Peckham.
“I think the real tension comes from DelBoy trying to hide his criminal activity from Racquel,” concluded Val. “And of course, the underlying tension of will he or won’t he eventually fall through a bar.”
The show is expected to air on the 23rd, Christmas Eve and Christmas Day on ITV2 if the company isn’t sued by Vince Gilligan before then.
