People who tell you that they are on a detox are just using the term as a needlessly fancy way to say they are not drinking.
“It’s easier to not drink alcohol if you pretend that you’re doing it for a vaguely middle class aspirational health purge,” claimed nutritionist, Sheila Harris, “not because you’re a habitual drinker who actually might properly have a problem with alcohol and needs to cut it down.”
“Studies into the psychology of detoxing claim that it’s helpful for people to euphemistically label their sobriety as something other than what it is,” continued Sheila, “and it’s also helpful to nurture a misplaced belief in the unnecessary need to detox your body in the first place by using things like detox foot patches, juices and liver cleanses.”
Some people who are currently undergoing self-inflicted detoxes are dismissive of the findings and claim that there’s more to their detox than cutting out alcohol.
“That’s nonsense, and makes me sound like some kind of alcoholic when I only ever really drink from Friday through Sunday and wine with dinner,” raged 34-year-old DJ, Garry Pill. “Plus, when I detox it’s not just alcohol I cut that I cut out from my diet, it’s drugs too.”
“A lot of people don’t eat cheese or smoke but that’s fucking mental,” continued Garry. “I’m on a detox, not some ascetic retreat into the life of a 17th century Tibetan monk, eating fruit and drinking water, that’s not how it works.”
“How it works is I use my Nutribullet once a day – ensuring I snap photos of the resulting meal onto Instagram – smoke weed only at night and do a bit of yoga in the morning,” he concluded. “So as you can see it’s a lot more than just not drinking, there’s loads of posh, extraneous stuff on top of it so it doesn’t feel like it’s mostly about not drinking.”
