A young man has today confirmed that “dignity is not that important” ahead of smoking the uniquely psychotropic plant salvia for the first time.
“I’ve seen some of the videos online of people tripping out embarrassingly after smoking it, but I’m a child of the Youtube generation and naturally I think that’s funny so I’ve decided to smoke a big hit and then let my friends videotape it,” claimed 19-year-old college dropout Ethan while gurning energetically to the cajolement of his friends. “Hopefully, after I do that, they’ll respect my willingness to utterly debase myself for their amusement and consider me a real person.”
“Dignity is not that important,” he added. “Certainly less important than fitting in with people who used to spit on my back in school and only hang around with me to make me eat worms or smash windows.”
Ethan, who’s experience with drugs extends to being dared to drink bong water last summer and a half pill when Skrillex came to his hometown – an experience he describes as “the greatest night ever, yolo” – says he isn’t anticipating that smoking the powerful hallucinogenic will be an enjoyable experience.
“From what I’ve heard, it’s actually rather terrifying, I might harm myself or others, or even piss and shit myself uncontrollably and have the memory, and footage, of that moment forever seared into my brain like a black stain on my life,” continued Ethan. “But hey, whatever helps me make friends.”
Ethan’s friends claim that they sincerely hope he pisses himself or falls out of a window when he smokes the salvia, “if he doesn’t then the whole thing will have been a massive disappointment and we’re just going to have to find something else irredeemable for him to do like wank a dog or vote UKIP”.
Following our interview, Ethan smoked “two large hits” of salvia and fortunately for his bear-baiting acquaintances “lost all bowel movement in what is the most hilarious and embarrassing reason to kill yourself ever”.
Ethan denies that the salvia had anything do with his bowel movement and claims he “did it for the laugh”.
“I didn’t experience any of the popularly perceived negative effects of the drug,” claimed Ethan who insists that he “got fuck all off it, was a bit of a letdown really” – in much the same way that all salvia is an abject letdown for anything other than laughing at morons on the internet.
