Diplo Quits Music & Cancels All Upcoming Gigs To Join Church Of Scientology

Diplo has today shocked and disappointed fans worldwide by announcing his retirement from music to concentrate on his work for the Church of Scientology with immediate effect.

Diplo, real name Thomas Wesley Pentz, was first attracted to the work of the Church back in 2008 when he was offered a free stress test while walking through his hometown of Tupelo in Mississippi. In recent years the majority of the Church’s recruits are lured in with these so-called “stress tests”, which in fact only serve to expose weaknesses or vulnerabilities in a person before offering the answers to their problems via the churches belief system and unique practices, all based on founder L. Ron Hubbard’s book, Dianetics.

Diplo, so called due to his obsession with dinosaurs as a child (his favorite being Diplodocus) brought the book home and was impressed with its ideas. He claimed to like the way everybody in the Church smiled uncontrollably at him “just like at a rave” and how some of the members even pretended to froth at the mouth and make funny noises to make him laugh. Friends say however that, “When he heard the whole thing was started by a flying dinosaur from another planet, he was sold.”

A source close to the artist today stated, “Thomas had been living dark days before he entered the Church. He was awake all night and asleep during the day, classic signs of depression. We were really worried about him. He never used to shower and just used to just sit in his room all day scratching. He was a complete shadow of the Thomas we used to know. The Church has given him drive, a belief, something to live for.”

“But since then he has been becoming ever more distant and has been spending time seeking solace through his fellow Church members, staying alive by doing things like DJing with Will Smith at John Travolta’s recent wedding, where he got Hitched.”

Diplo is said to have cancelled all upcoming performances and will be donating all further royalty streams to the Church as he attempts to progress through the ranks to become one of its most elite members. “I’ll Cruise through the ranks of the Church, you just watch me,” a determined Diplo stated in his announcement earlier today.

Fans with tickets to any upcoming performances are advised to contact their local Church of Scientology for a full refund, said to be available in the form of L. Ron Hubbard’s book vouchers.

A local rep for the Church has stated, “The loss of an idol can be a very hard thing for any music fan to deal with. Here at the Church we feel we have had some hand in this so as way of apology we are offering a free stress test to any Diplo fans finding his retirement too hard to handle.”