The Walt Disney Company have today accused English electronic music producer James Zabiela of copyright infringement, claiming that the Southampton based DJ has illegally used Goldilocks’s hair.
Disney, a multinational mass media corporation based out of Burbank, California, claims to have held the copyright to “beautiful, golden curly locks” since their film adaptation of Goldilocks and the Three Bears was released in 1922.
“When you look at Mr. Zabiela and his healthy head of glowing blonde tresses, it’s clear that he’s taken Disney’s intellectual property and used it for his own financial gain,” claimed Matt Kaufmann, a legal adviser for Disney. “Mr. Zabiela has a large international following and, although he is an excellent producer and talented performer, we believe that up to fifty percent of his fans only like him because of his hair. A bit like Rachel from Friends only without the protruding nipples.”
Zabiela is believed to have become the centre of Disney’s latest copyright infringement scandal after he was recently photographed visiting Southampton Zoo’s bear enclosure where he was photographed in a compromising position with some bears.
“We really can’t be sure if it was intentional or not but there was one photo of Mr. Zabiela standing directly in front of a daddy bear, a mammy bear and a baby bear,” explained Kaufmann. “The image had a glaringly obvious resemblance to a number of the scenes from our animation and was the final straw as far as we were concerned.”
Zabiela, who shares his time between DJing, music production and occasional Robbie Savage look-a-like work, rubbished Disney’s accusations earlier today, “Disney are way out of order here. If there’s any multinational corporation that I owe for my hair it’s l’Oriel, because their products give my hair its deep lustre, and because I’m worth it.”
“I don’t even think I’ve seen Goldilocks and the Three Bears. Anyone who knows even the slightest thing about me will tell you I’m a hardcore science fiction fan,” continued Zabiela. “So unless Goldilocks is some sort of sex robot sent from Zabelon 6 to infect three bears with a flesh eating STI in an attempt to take over the world, I probably won’t have seen it.”
“It’s also no secret that my hair inspiration is Pat Sharp, the presenter of the popular nineties children’s game show Fun House,” swooned Zabiela. “Pat’s got a head of hair you could really be proud of, both stylish and dependable, like a butler or a mixing desk from Ikea.”
“I used to spend hours daydreaming about Pat’s hair,” recounted the DJ. “I’d imagine what it would be like on my head and how cool I’d look with it. Sometimes I’d even imagined I was Pat Sharp and that my two goldfish – Hans and Solo – were the Fun House twins Melanie and Martina. We got up to all sorts of adventures until one day I sadly discovered that neither goldfish nor the twins teleport when you microwave them, they actually explode.”
“I was heartbroken, I must have only been ten or eleven and I promised myself I’d never daydream about Melanie and Martina again,” commented Zabiela. “Although that promise was obviously forgotten about when I hit puberty and daydreams were replaced by wank fantasies.”
“I certainly won’t be changing my hairstyle to suit Disney’s demands,” concluded Zabiela, removing his hair from its ponytail and shaking it out sexily. “They can try sue me if they like but that would be crazy, a bit like Steve Aoki suing the inventors of singing game ‘karaoke’ because it has a similar sounding name to his and is more musically relevant.”
