A report released today by the Department of Health claims that DJ mixers contain more germs than an average toilet seat with one unnamed DJ reporting that he caught chlamydia from using a shared mixer and then sucking his thumb.
“We’re advising all DJs to clean their mixers immediately and to exercise better hygiene practices or they too could catch an STD simply from using a mixer,” explained Dr. Lacey Mathis, the hygiene official in charge of the study. “If you’re using a mixer in a nightclub where lots of DJs come and go then our advice would be to wear rubber gloves preferably surgical gloves, but if you have none to hand, condoms on your fingers would work.”
The report claims that health officials visited a number of top nightclubs around the world and performed a series of swab tests on mixers to analyse health standards for working DJs and found that almost all of the mixers contained “a dangerous amount of germs”, almost as much as you’d find on the toilet seat of “a fat and sweaty middle-aged and single Star Trek fan who shits several times per day”.
“We used swab testing and blacklighting on mixers in several top clubs around the world,” explained Dr. Mathis, who revealed that she cannot disclose the names of those clubs while hygiene investigations are being conducted. “What we found when we conducted the tests is really quite staggering.”
Dr. Mathis claims that the results of a simple blacklight test on the mixers showed “a rich variety of human effluent” including snot, urine, semen and even the salty tears of an unknown depressed DJ, suspected to be the surly and emotional Calvin Harris.
“We swabbed the mixer, analysed the samples and found e-coli, salmonella and ebola as well as an inordinate amount of semen,” continued Dr. Mathis, “I’m talking a lot of semen, and from different men too. Some of it was still fresh.”
“The only mixer that we found that was utterly spotless was David Guetta’s,” added Dr. Mathis. “It was pristine, almost like it had never been used before.”
Dr Mathis concluded by stating that the filth found on the mixers was the result of DJs “not washing their hands after using toilets, fingering groupies, picking their noses or masturbating” and recommended that a bottle of hand sanitiser and rubber gloves be placed beside every mixer.
“The only mixer that we found that was utterly spotless was David
Guetta’s,” added Dr. Mathis. “It was pristine, almost like it had never
been used before.”
I laughed so hard at this
I feel vindicated by this article.
Ha ha “like it’s never been used before”
Not a DJ but as a person who has used public PA systems… that fucking microphone needs a swab then a sterilization
Mics are just the worst. You can see it, smell it, and hear it. #miccheck
When I was a systems tech we used to spray them with glen20 then soak them in listerine.