DJ Mag have just announced that votes for the infamous DJ Mag Top 100, which has in the past seen such luminary talent voids as Martin Garrix, Hardwell and an actual bag of shit wearing gardening gloves claim the top spot, will only be accepted via finger painting from now on.
The move comes following concerns that the magazine’s readership were becoming “unnecessarily distressed and upset” by having to “fill out forms using actual words and generally use their limited cognitive abilities”.
Wunderground spoke with Mr Blobby, DJ Mag’s head of customer relations, about the renewed effort required to keep the core readership engaged.
“We’ve been surveying our readership rather intensely over the past six months, conducting interviews in over seven thousand of the crèches and daycare centres where the bulk of our readers reside,” explained Blobby whilst throwing a bucket of gunge over Dave Benson-Phillips.
“We’ve found that we’re losing a staggering amount of voters because they simply cannot work out the correlation between the keys on their keyboards and the names of the talentless sacks of sputum they mistake for DJs,” continued Blobby whilst going twos up with the Chuckle Brothers on a brass from Leytonstone. “As a result, these potential voters simply don’t fill in the forms and return to smearing their laptop screens with their own faecal matter instead.”
“The key to the longevity for a magazine as ridiculously out of step with real music as DJ Mag is interaction. It’s all about getting the kids involved. Sometimes quite literally. As well as our voters, most of our staff are actually toddlers too.”
“That’s why we’ve decided from now on all our Top 100 votes will be cast via finger painting and our staff must submit their articles either by potato print or a sheet of card covered in glitter and bits of glued on Farfalle pasta.”