A mentally challenged drug dealer, who is considering a season in Ibiza, has asked his friends whether or not he will need an NIE number to sell drugs on the Spanish party island.
Alan Morris, a 24-year-old ecstasy dealer and manbun sporter from Shoreditch, London, is said to be considering the geographical switch after becoming disillusioned with the current state of the drug market in the trendy East End borough but fears he may come across some bureaucratic obstacles if he follows through with his proposed plans.
According to Mr. Morris, the drug market in Shoreditch has “gone to the dogs” due to the increased number of “poxy hipsters” moving into the area only “buying laughing gas and ket”.
“Shoreditch used to be a cool spot for a drug dealer,” claimed Morris, who left school at the age of twelve to concentrate on his burgeoning hash business. “People were always buying pills, or white or whizz but now all anyone ever wants around here is ketamine and nos. The hipsters love that stuff, I often see them with their noses caked in it trying to use their legs to negotiate curbs but I don’t sell it so business is proper slow for me round here.”
“I like to get high on my own supply,” revealed Morris against the best advice of every movie that was ever made about drug dealing, “and the last time I took ketamine I ended up naked in the middle of Trafalgar Square with a pigeon attached to my cock by a shoelace, so I promised myself I’d never take it again.”
“Now the only real option I have is to emigrate. Ibiza seems like the best place to go because I don’t really want to be somewhere that’s full of foreigners,” continued Morris. “But I’m not too good at reading and I was just worried that I’d have to fill out a whole load of forms if I needed to get an NIE number.”
“To be honest I don’t even know what an NIE number is,” admitted the dealer. “Is it something to do with knees?? I’ve got two knees like most people and I just call mine knee one and knee two, from left to right obviously, but I’ve heard people say you can’t work over there unless you get one of these numbers so I’ll probably just have to get one.”
