A report from the Academy of Sciences has emerged which claims that doctors will begin offering serotonin injections to anyone who has partaken of MDMA or ecstasy during the previous weekend.
Serotonin or 5-hydroxytryptamine (5-HT) neurotransmitter which gets released in large quantities whenever a person takes MDMA – the active compound in ecstasy and becomes severely depleted after the effects of the drug wears off and is known as a comedown which causes people to feel irritable, depressed and work shy.
“Basically there’s a sharp decrease in productivity by a large percentage of the population after a heavy weekend which negatively impacts on the performance of companies, particularly those involved with making people work,” explained the study. “We believe that this decrease is caused exclusively by large numbers of workers taking ecstasy over the course of the weekend and as a result feeling a bit fed up on Mondays, Tuesdays and the first half of Wednesday.”
It is hoped that the injection, which will be available from local GPs worldwide between the hours of 8am to 12am on Mondays, and 8am to 12am again on Tuesdays for those who have partied especially hard or Berliners or anyone from Ireland and the UK, known ecstasy centres or “mangler spots”.
Employers have welcomed the news of the injection with glee as a way to combat both tardiness and absenteeism among employees who live a party lifestyle at the weekend.
“Now, when my employees come in on Mondays I won’t have to watch them jump nervously and begin to sweat when I stride unannounced into their office or cubicle area,” declared one employer who explained that he worked for an insurance company and due to the sheer depressing futility of the job itself almost 95% of his employees took drugs on the weekend as a coping mechanism.
“Some people just can’t hack the numbers so they develop vices to cope. Thankfully mine consists of pulling up my trousers slightly before addressing a room full of employees, obsessively using ever complex management speak as a way to seem more intelligent and, of course, harmless alcohol.”
Clubbers themselves were equally excited by the news claiming that this miracle cure will ensure that they’ll be able “to actually make eye contact with fellow employees, talk without grimacing and fight the urge to just curl up on the couch and watch Seinfeld all day drinking Berocca, Dioralyte and wanking”.
“This is fantastic news as it means I won’t have to pretend to have a cold, an upset stomach or my period every Monday,” declared excited clubber Michael. “Now it’s a spike of zero to nine and I’m bouncing again and able to face the drudgery of having to do anything that involves moving and opening my eyes.”
Some commentators however have contended that the serotonin injection itself will soon be abused by clubbers to get high on the happiness inducing chemical just like they do with actual ecstasy and will then need ecstasy to get over the come down from the serontonin injection which will then require another serotonin injection the come down of which will require ecstasy and life will sort of go on like this ad infinum.
You need to inject 5-HTP; serotonin can’t pass through the blood brain barrier. Kids, take your drugs with science
Also you’d need to block the absorption of the serotonin somehow.
Injections aren’t even necessary. Just get a bottle of 5HTP capsules that they sell at most grocery stores.
The peak effects of X usually lasts between 3-5 hours. To avoid a comedown, its ideal to take 100-300mg of 5HTP 4-6 hours after you’ve taken the X. Specifically, before you even feel the unpleasant effects of a comedown.
— This bit of advice assumes that a single hit of 3,4-methylenedioxy-N-methylamphetamine (MDMA) was taken orally.
10-15+ years ago this seemed to be common knowledge.