Doctors around the world have started prescribing patients with Time Warp tickets in a bid to cure them from liking cheesy EDM.
“There are currently 50 million people across the globe suffering from EDM poisoning, a disease which basically causes them to think think that Steve Aoki is a real DJ, get excited to listen to Avicii and judge the quality of a track on how sick the drop is,” explained techno doctor, Monika Kruse.
“It’s a horrible disease that robs sufferers of their faculties for appreciating techno, some of those who suffer from the disease will unfortunately never listen to techno and experience a decreased quality of life in which they’re into shit tunes. Attending Time Warp can help that.”
Dr. Kruse claims that Time Warp tickets will cure almost 100% of EDM cases as “in the presence of world-class techno, the EDM virus is shown for the virulent, poisonous crap it is”.
“We actually discovered it by accident, we just wanted some terminal EDM fans – the sort who defend David Guetta on the grounds that ‘he was good back in the day’ – to experience a reprieve from the lowest common denominator electro-house they like by attending Time Warp. Sort of like the Make A Wish Foundation but for techno,” continued Dr. Kruse. “Shockingly, when they entered the main room almost all of them of them spat out their dummies, threw their Beats by Dre away and began dancing to Marco Carola.”
“They were completely cured,” gushed Dr. Kruse. “Techno cured them of all of their former EDM symptoms. They stopped listening to it completely and began to improve to the point where they openly disapproved of the mainstream acts that marketing companies wanted them to like, and sought out lesser known, more relevant acts like Tale of Us and tINI.”
“One of the guys even got an Avicii tattoo removed from his lower back,” she added. “Which was a big step. Plus, his torso is now covered in a very techno pitch-black stretched vest and he’s cultivating a moustache as we speak, all thanks to techno.”
“Liking EDM, wearing kandi and thinking the DJ Mag Top 100 is accurate are all symptoms of the deadly EDM plague that has threatened the world since 2010,” claimed the doctor. “Until now we could only combat its spread by hoping that people would eventually discover techno and put away their childish things. Now we have Time Warp tickets, nobody needs to continue to suffer.”
EDM or commercial dance music, according to the medical community, used to be a childhood disease like chicken pox or whooping cough that typically people would experience once and then grow out of, but unfortunately, because of huge investment in the last few years it’s got a foothold in America and caused some unfortunate people to think it’s a legitimate music form and not a sickness.
“A lot of them don’t even know they’re sick,” she explained. “They think that liking Hardwell is part of being into dance music and not an illness, it’s very sad.”
“I suffered from cheesy commercial dance disease back in the 90s,” explained one former sufferer Stuart Jameson. “I used to listen to Dune and Scooter, but thankfully the strain of cheesy nonsense wasn’t as virulent then as it is now, so I was cured from simply attending a single Claude Young gig. I got the techno jab and never looked back.”
“Unfortunately that didn’t work for all of my friends though, some of whom have never stopped listening to cheesy dance and are now full blown Calvin Harris fans,” he added.
“I hear that now, because it has money behind it, the EDM disease is stronger and therefore the cure needs to be a more complete techno experience like Time Warp,” he continued. “I’m planning on bringing my friend who is sick with Calvin Harris fandom to Time Warp, it’s going to be emotional. I can’t wait to have my friend back.”
If you or anyone you know is suffered from the EDM disease doctors advise buying a Time Warp ticket and attending for a day of banging techno nonsense, which they estimate will completely wipe the EDM out of your system.
