That dog that just arrived at the party isn’t actually a friend of yours and while he is reluctantly letting you pet him, he secretly thinks you are a bit weird, a report on house parties has today revealed.
Jim Proctor, an animal behavioural specialist explains “the majority of dogs that arrive at house parties usually appear ‘all of a sudden’ as it were, a few hours into the party, and usually from the upstairs area of the house, only to be met by the sight of a slightly worse for wear but very happy-to-see-him owner who usually begins the embarrassing one-way baby talk conversation with an animal that is clearly not a baby.”
“Or perhaps a visibly stern girlfriend arrives home from staying at her mother’s the night before only to happen upon a curtains-drawn sitting room full of strangers. She has the dog in tow, and as she makes short and straight to the point chat to her very-much-in-trouble boyfriend (while slamming away the groceries), the dog does the rounds.”
“He knows the party is over and he wants as many rubs as he can get before she opens the curtains and puts on the telly.”
“Unfortunately the dog won’t make it as far as your feet. The fella ahead of you is clearly good with dogs, and is giving him just the right amount of attention he needs.”
“You haven’t been to sleep though and you are a very fragile creature at that point of the morning. You need the dogs acceptance, as the lady who just turned off the music behind you is making you feel quite rejected. She thinks you’re a prick, most likely, you consider to yourself. And weird looking.”
“So you call the dog. It looks over, but looks away again. Ignoring you.”
“But the guy next to you is bored now, he doesn’t need the dog to like him. He’s got his shit together and gets attention and validation from many differing sources, unlike you.”
“So the dog flops over to you reluctantly. You reach out and give it a rub not dissimilar to the handshake of a failed insurance salesman. Weak, wet and cold. The dog decides it was right about you, and escapes into the kitchen to the safety of his female owners feet.”
“Get them all out. Him first.” The dog says, pointing at you using a mixture of eye contact and hair tossing that only a true loving owner who was actually friends with the dog would understand.”
“In this situation, the party is over” explains Professor Proctor. “But don’t worry, there will be other parties. Other dogs to make friends with.”
“And those dogs will hate you too.”
