A drug dealer who has been working the streets of San Antonio, Ibiza, for the past eleven years, has been overheard telling a group of holidaymakers that drugs are “better for them in summer rather than winter”, and that he has “statistics to back it up”.
Thirty three year old Liverpudlian, Tommy Nicholls, who spends his time going between Ibiza and Thailand, is believed to have “convinced” a dozen or so nineteen year olds that the summer sun “enhances” drug taking by two hundred and four percent, and that there’s “no fucking point” getting on it when it’s cold as there’s an eighty four percent chance of death.
“I’ve been knocking bits out for years now so I know what I’m on about,” claimed Tommy. “All year round it’s summer for me and I’ve worked out the numbers. I have the Ibiza summer, then I go across for another summer in Thailand – so that’s fifty percent in each country. I get bang on the gear one hundred percent of the time so I can tell you firsthand that it’s three million percent better for a man to sniff a load of beak in the summer sun than it is the winter rain. The last time I went back to the U.K, we got on it and ended up kicking off with a rival gang. It was the middle of December. I don’t blame the drugs, or the blokes carrying Stanley knives – I blame the season. None of that would have happened it had been sunny. We’d have all had a beer, a cuddle and sorted it out amicably.”
“All I want to do is spread the word and statistics,” continued Tommy. “If you get on it in the snow or sleet, you’ll have a ninety eight percent chance of a shit time. Doing it in summer enhances your vibe a thousand per cent. Ask anybody I’ve sold Garry’s to over the past ten years in Ibiza and see if they enjoyed themselves. You’ll have a six hundred percent ‘yes’ rate.”
Wunderground spoke to one of the gang Tommy was talking with to find out if he’s convinced them with his theory, “In a weird way, it did make sense,” said Reece Taylor.”Obviously the sunshine makes everything better, but I don’t think his stats are quite right. I didn’t want to pull him up though, as he was terrifying, and well out of his nut. He told us that six hundred and nine per cent of people in Ibiza buy his drugs and that Brexit will mean drugs will become un-available in England as of March. We just politely nodded along until our taxi arrived.”
