A study published today by the Drugs Council has determined that illegal drugs like ecstasy and ketamine are “better than religion”.
Echoing John Lennon’s famous statement that The Beatles were “bigger than Jesus” the report asserts that while religion is “alright for old people, the easily misled, people with learning difficulties and conservatives” drugs are considered much better by the vast majority of the population.
“Well you can’t snort God or bang a few tabs of the Holy Spirit can you,” claimed one clubber who Wunderground interviewed about the study. “Jesus might have turned water in wine, but that was ages ago, what has he done since? Fuck all.”
The report continued by claiming that while nightclubs are packed with drug fueled manglers every weekend of the year the numbers of those attending church are plummeting “unless the church has been revamped into a nightclub in which case it’s always packed full of hipsters admiring the exposed brickwork and ironic alter/DJ box”.
Speaking on behalf of The Revealed Religions of the World, Pope Francis, said that the groundswell of support for drugs over God is indicative of an inability by religious institutions to appeal to modern young people “most of whom are drug taking music fans who have gay sex with condoms in darkly lit nightclubs.”
“We can’t compete with that,” he added. “Not openly.”
“We haven’t done enough to update the appeal of the church,” offered the Pope. “Maybe if we got Armin Van Buuren to throw a trance remix on some traditional hyms and played them for a special Saturday night Mass then numbers would pick up.”
The Pope offered some other suggestions on how religions can win back the ground lost to drugs suggesting that they “hold a special Mass where the Virgin Mary dances naked on the podium with Mary Magdalene while Christ, God and the Holy Spirit go back to back to back”
