People over the age of 65 who are knocking tentatively on death’s door, perhaps with a cane or withered hand, are expected to have drugs legalised for their use because “they’re going to be dead soon anyway”, claimed a government minister.
“The whole point of legalising drugs for this age group is due to the fact that they’ve served their time in the work force and should be able to enjoy their retirement,” explained a government spokesperson. “If some of them spike a bit too much brown and happen to die as a result then obviously we’ll be sad but at least they won’t be on the state’s pension bill.”
It is expected that the drugs, particularly the psychedelics, will assist some of those with terminal illnesses in dealing with the oncoming specter of death – which for most of them, especially the men, isn’t far off.
“Hopefully it’s not far off for the lot of them, they’re basically useless now because their bodies are gone to shite and they’re afraid of computers so there’s no work for them,” he added before stressing that the move is not some kind of novel solution to cut the pension bill but that if that did happen “would it be so bad?”
The government said that no guidelines on dosages and safe use of drugs would be given to the pensioners as they “don’t need to be mollycoddled and are old enough to know what they’re doing”.
“Just because someone has contributed all they can to the tax base over 40 years of back breaking labour doesn’t mean that they can’t figure out how many pills is too many,” explained the government. “But hopefully, they can’t.”
“We can’t legalise drugs for young people, that’d be silly, then who’d work the mindless jobs we need to keep the economy going?” explained the source. “When young people do drugs and questions things or die horribly in a puddle then it’s genuinely sad because you’d probably have gotten another 30 years of income tax out of them but with the old ones the well is dry, they’re useless husks to be thrown away.”
“If they die from drug use at least they were having fun while they were doing it and the country didn’t lose the years of productive labour they would have if a young person died, isn’t that better than old age, isn’t that more dignified?”
